Full Circle

I have come full circle. At the beginning of this year I was exhausted. The first week we were here was made up of culture shock, midnight Nile cruises, trying to get ready for school, and an engagement party that went till 1:30 in the morning (well, that's when we left. Oh and it was the night before classes started.) I was an emotional wreck. I don't know if you read any of my earlier blogs but the honeymoon stage of my SM year did not last long. I was sick of being here within the first couple weeks. I realized that I was going to do the same thing every day for the next nine months. I drove myself crazy thinking about my friends and what they were doing back home without me.

Eventually, with a lot of prayer and some help from my fellow SM's, I was able to except my situation. I learned to enjoy the small things about my day and began to realize that not every day was the same; I was just missing the subtle changes that, if noticed, are usually the most memorable.  It was an all out wrestling match with God who was fighting for my very heart. I'd kept it to myself for so long and even though I knew I wanted to give it up, I just didn't know how. I came here wanting to learn how to love and care for others again, something I felt I'd lost somewhere along the way. Slowly but surely, I got to a point where I was just tired of fighting. I accepted that I was going to be here for the rest of the year and I might as well enjoy it while I'm here.
That was about the time my parents got here. It was awesome to get to share my world with them and finally have someone from home who could understand what I was going through. Traveling with them was a whole nother adventure in itself but it gave me the break I needed. I actually got to the point where I was excited to come back. I missed the students. I missed my job. I missed the other SM's. I even missed the cafe food. (a little bit) I was so ready to get back to school and I had all these plans in my head of how this semester was going to be better.

Then, it happened. Our history teacher decided to go home because of some personal issues and guess who got to pick up his three history classes....... I was so excited. I always felt that even though I taught P.E. I never really connected with the students as well as the other SM's because I didn't teach in the classroom. Needless to say it has definitely given me more work this semester but I have loved every minute of it. There is nothing like trying to teach 34 tenth graders all in the same room whom, no matter how good of a teacher I am, would rather be somewhere else. It's OK I get it. I never wanted to be in class in tenth grade either. They have given me the patience of a saint and I will be forever grateful to them for that.
Like I said I've come full circle. I was exhausted at the beginning of the year and I'm exhausted now. Most days I dread teaching class. (until I get in the classroom) I'm burned out, I'm tired, and yet I'm completely at peace. I will leave Egypt with no regrets. I've done, seen, and heard it all. I've been from the 5 star resorts, to the remote villages. I've been from the border of Sudan to the Mediterranean. I've been from the White Desert in the west, to Mt. Sinai in the east. But the thing that has filled me the most is the experiences I'll never forget with my students. I'll never forget Suzan who claims that someone is bothering her everyday that I walk into class. I'll never forget Kuny for giving me every excuse in the book for why she can't play in P.E. today. And I'll never forget the incredible love that all the students have shown me this year. They truly loved me from the minute I stepped onto campus and have never stopped. If anyone has taught me how to love this year, it has been them. And so yes, I'm exhausted. But it's a feeling of accomplishment, instead of defeat. It's a feeling of self awareness, instead of confusion. And it's a feeling that I will forever be indebted to God for, because I finally realize that he has been behind it all the whole way. He's blessed me so much this year. Even in ways I never planned on.

Changes

Change.  At times it can be your greatest enemy, and at other times, your greatest ally. Everybody goes through some sort of change in their life whether they like it or not. Maybe moving to a different house, getting a new job, making new friends, or picking up new hobbies. Every change we go through in life makes us who we are, and we can decide to either let those changes make us, or break us.
Over this last home leave, all us SM's had a lot of time to just talk and reminisce with each other. We talked about a lot of things but one thing that was really fun was to reveal our first impressions of each other back at the beginning of the year. And as we all went around and talked about how we felt about each other it was just amazing to see how most of our perceptions were totally off, which they often are when you meet someone for the first time. But the even cooler thing to listen to was the different ways in how we all feel that we've changed. I am not the same person I was when I got here last August, nor is Alec, Jessica, Sara, Krista, or Paul. These people know me as the person I've become, not the one I was. We all made a decision somewhere in the middle of this experience to embrace the changes going on within us, not fight them. And in turn we have all become better people because of it.

I was talking with Jessica the other day and I was trying to describe to her how I was feeling about my experience this year. And as we were talking I just got sick to my stomach at the thought of not seeing the other SM's when I go back home. I've gone through the most amazing experience of my life this year and they were there every step of the way. We have all grown so much and have so many talents to bring to the table and it makes me sad that I won't see them in action all the time like I do here. But isn't that what it's all about? Becoming a new person with new talents, new perspectives, and taking them to the rest of the world? When you make an inner change that increases the good in yourself, you have a responsibility to share that with others. Changes are not meant to be bottled up and enjoyed only by you and a few others. We are not all meant to stay in Egypt forever and enjoy our changes by ourselves. We were meant to go back home, to college, to our friends, and to the others around us and hopefully affect them in some way. Being unafraid to be who you are, even if you've changed, consciously allows others to do the same.

I got an email from a friend a couple weeks back. It's the best email I've received all year. He was talking about how he had wished he had come with me this year. He said he hadn't taken enough risks in his life and was feeling stagnant. I knew exactly what he was talking about because that was me last year. He reminded me of a conversation that we had before I came here and just shared with me how it really affected him in these last months. He said, "even though you're in Egypt, you're still affecting me back here. You've shown me that I need to take more risks and I'm going to work on doing that."   Looking at your own life, recognizing you need change, and not being afraid to make it gives others the confidence to do it as well.

I've learned a lot of new things this year and a couple new talents. It's easy to use them here in Egypt because I learned them here and people are used to it. People are used to seeing me up front with a guitar in my hands. People are used to seeing this version of myself because that's what I've become here. People are not used to that back home. The next step is taking this person I've become and not being afraid to apply it there. I was telling Sara the other day that I never want to go back to who I was. I love this version of me and I feel that God brought me here to create this version of me. I told her that even if I lose some friends along the way because of it, it's worth it to me because this is who I want to be. Now if you're one of my friends, please don't take that as a stab at you. It's just that we might not have the same interests anymore and eventually we'll grow apart. And that's Ok. It's called life. All of us need to find our own path. And trust me if you haven't found what I've found, someday you will and you'll understand.

So yes I'm going to miss these people terribly and yes I can't wait to see them again at some point when we're back home. But I'm even more excited to see where we all end up in the coming years and to always have a bond with them that nobody else will ever understand.

The Source

I was talking to my roommate Alec last night and he proceeded to tell me that he didn't feel like he was ready to be or knew how to be a couple of things. A good son, a good boyfriend (he's single), a good husband, or a good father. I told him that: #1 you only need to worry about one of those right now, and #2 I'm not sure if we ever fully understand to how to be any of those.

          If I asked any of you how to be a good (_______) you would think about it for a bit and then either tell me you were not sure, or you would do your best to answer a question that can't be answered. But just for fun let's look at some of the stereotypical answers. A good son: "Well a good son is respectful to his parents, he stands up for his family and other siblings when they need him, he does his chores without being asked, and he is respectful to his peers." A good boyfriend: "Well a good boyfriend is respectful to his girlfriend, he doesn't put himself in questionable situations with other women, he respects his girlfriends' family and attempts to develop a relationship with them, and he buys things like flowers for his girl every now and then." A good husband: "Well a good husband loves his wife, he protects her and cherishes her, he does not cheat on her, he is the spiritual leader, and he has a good relationship with her family as well." A good father: "Well a good father is a role model for his children, he teaches them values by his actions, he is respectful to their mother, and he spends quality time with them so that they have a good relationship."
Sounds pretty simple doesn't it? Just follow A, B, and C and you've got it made, but we all know that's not how it works. I've been thinking a lot about my life and where I'm headed lately. Like what I'm going to do this next semester and when I leave Egypt and when I leave College. Yesterday in staff meeting my principle put it best, "I sometimes feel like a jackrabbit just sprinting through a big field of tall grass and every now and then I stop, stand up on my hind legs and look around me, just to check where I'm going, where I'm headed, and then I'm back down, running." Everyone knows that when you're so busy that you don't even have time to reflect on what you've done or where you're going, you're going to get lost eventually. But is it possible to reflect so much on what you've done and where you're going that in a sense we become "lost"?

I was walking home from work the other day and as I was walking I decided that I wanted a tangerine. The orchard is pretty bare now since the season is over but I was still able to find one that the harvesters had missed. As I sat in front of my house and ate that tangerine I began to think about how I eat so much more fruit here than I did back in the states. And then I began to remember trips that I had taken to different countries while I was in high school and how excited we all would get if we were able to find fruit just growing there in the wild. And then I began to think why does this fascinate us so much? When I'm at home my Mom just hounds me and my Dad because she buys all this fruit and it takes us forever to eat it and sometimes it goes bad because we don't get to it in time. Why does a tangerine sitting in a bowl not look as good as one sitting in a tree?

Have you ever been to an event that was supposed to be all about God but really wasn't. Maybe it was a concert by some so called "Christian" band that you went to or a speaker that was supposed to speak about God but really didn't. This last summer I volunteered at Heaven Fest. It's a massive outdoor concert where about 20,000 people show up for the day and close to 100 bands just play all day. Now did I enjoy my time, absolutely. Did I feel that God was present in some way or another, yes I did. But I will say it was one of the most unrestful Sabbaths I have ever had. The top bands get up there and they sing about God and they have mostly wholesome lyrics but the way they present it can be tiring. I'm hard pressed to think that I need to head bang and yell and scream at the top of my lungs to worship my God. In fact I think I don't. So in the end it feels a lot more like a secular event than a spiritual one.

When you receive something from the source isn't it always better? When you go to that high mountain spring and drink that fresh water coming right from the source. When you find that fresh fruit growing right on the tree or the vine. When you physically go to that far away place that you've seen in the magazine. When you ask God instead of (_____). There will always be people who think they have the answer. There will always be another Christian band blasting through your ears and there will always be another life book for teens and there will always be another book on dating and there will always be another book on marriage, but there will only ever be one Bible. One God.

Will we ever be the perfect child, spouse, or parent? No we won't. Will we ever know what's going to happen in the future or where we're going to end up? No we won't. But the answer is not to go searching for the answer in music or books. The answer is to be so fully immersed in God that you can't help but be a good child, you can't help but be a good spouse, and you can't help but be a good parent. When you're tapping into the power that is God, you're tapping into the source of life itself. When God is your one reliable source, even when you stumble, you will be at peace with where you are headed. You may not know the future but you can be at peace knowing that you're going in the best possible direction.