Full Circle

I have come full circle. At the beginning of this year I was exhausted. The first week we were here was made up of culture shock, midnight Nile cruises, trying to get ready for school, and an engagement party that went till 1:30 in the morning (well, that's when we left. Oh and it was the night before classes started.) I was an emotional wreck. I don't know if you read any of my earlier blogs but the honeymoon stage of my SM year did not last long. I was sick of being here within the first couple weeks. I realized that I was going to do the same thing every day for the next nine months. I drove myself crazy thinking about my friends and what they were doing back home without me.

Eventually, with a lot of prayer and some help from my fellow SM's, I was able to except my situation. I learned to enjoy the small things about my day and began to realize that not every day was the same; I was just missing the subtle changes that, if noticed, are usually the most memorable.  It was an all out wrestling match with God who was fighting for my very heart. I'd kept it to myself for so long and even though I knew I wanted to give it up, I just didn't know how. I came here wanting to learn how to love and care for others again, something I felt I'd lost somewhere along the way. Slowly but surely, I got to a point where I was just tired of fighting. I accepted that I was going to be here for the rest of the year and I might as well enjoy it while I'm here.
That was about the time my parents got here. It was awesome to get to share my world with them and finally have someone from home who could understand what I was going through. Traveling with them was a whole nother adventure in itself but it gave me the break I needed. I actually got to the point where I was excited to come back. I missed the students. I missed my job. I missed the other SM's. I even missed the cafe food. (a little bit) I was so ready to get back to school and I had all these plans in my head of how this semester was going to be better.

Then, it happened. Our history teacher decided to go home because of some personal issues and guess who got to pick up his three history classes....... I was so excited. I always felt that even though I taught P.E. I never really connected with the students as well as the other SM's because I didn't teach in the classroom. Needless to say it has definitely given me more work this semester but I have loved every minute of it. There is nothing like trying to teach 34 tenth graders all in the same room whom, no matter how good of a teacher I am, would rather be somewhere else. It's OK I get it. I never wanted to be in class in tenth grade either. They have given me the patience of a saint and I will be forever grateful to them for that.
Like I said I've come full circle. I was exhausted at the beginning of the year and I'm exhausted now. Most days I dread teaching class. (until I get in the classroom) I'm burned out, I'm tired, and yet I'm completely at peace. I will leave Egypt with no regrets. I've done, seen, and heard it all. I've been from the 5 star resorts, to the remote villages. I've been from the border of Sudan to the Mediterranean. I've been from the White Desert in the west, to Mt. Sinai in the east. But the thing that has filled me the most is the experiences I'll never forget with my students. I'll never forget Suzan who claims that someone is bothering her everyday that I walk into class. I'll never forget Kuny for giving me every excuse in the book for why she can't play in P.E. today. And I'll never forget the incredible love that all the students have shown me this year. They truly loved me from the minute I stepped onto campus and have never stopped. If anyone has taught me how to love this year, it has been them. And so yes, I'm exhausted. But it's a feeling of accomplishment, instead of defeat. It's a feeling of self awareness, instead of confusion. And it's a feeling that I will forever be indebted to God for, because I finally realize that he has been behind it all the whole way. He's blessed me so much this year. Even in ways I never planned on.

Changes

Change.  At times it can be your greatest enemy, and at other times, your greatest ally. Everybody goes through some sort of change in their life whether they like it or not. Maybe moving to a different house, getting a new job, making new friends, or picking up new hobbies. Every change we go through in life makes us who we are, and we can decide to either let those changes make us, or break us.
Over this last home leave, all us SM's had a lot of time to just talk and reminisce with each other. We talked about a lot of things but one thing that was really fun was to reveal our first impressions of each other back at the beginning of the year. And as we all went around and talked about how we felt about each other it was just amazing to see how most of our perceptions were totally off, which they often are when you meet someone for the first time. But the even cooler thing to listen to was the different ways in how we all feel that we've changed. I am not the same person I was when I got here last August, nor is Alec, Jessica, Sara, Krista, or Paul. These people know me as the person I've become, not the one I was. We all made a decision somewhere in the middle of this experience to embrace the changes going on within us, not fight them. And in turn we have all become better people because of it.

I was talking with Jessica the other day and I was trying to describe to her how I was feeling about my experience this year. And as we were talking I just got sick to my stomach at the thought of not seeing the other SM's when I go back home. I've gone through the most amazing experience of my life this year and they were there every step of the way. We have all grown so much and have so many talents to bring to the table and it makes me sad that I won't see them in action all the time like I do here. But isn't that what it's all about? Becoming a new person with new talents, new perspectives, and taking them to the rest of the world? When you make an inner change that increases the good in yourself, you have a responsibility to share that with others. Changes are not meant to be bottled up and enjoyed only by you and a few others. We are not all meant to stay in Egypt forever and enjoy our changes by ourselves. We were meant to go back home, to college, to our friends, and to the others around us and hopefully affect them in some way. Being unafraid to be who you are, even if you've changed, consciously allows others to do the same.

I got an email from a friend a couple weeks back. It's the best email I've received all year. He was talking about how he had wished he had come with me this year. He said he hadn't taken enough risks in his life and was feeling stagnant. I knew exactly what he was talking about because that was me last year. He reminded me of a conversation that we had before I came here and just shared with me how it really affected him in these last months. He said, "even though you're in Egypt, you're still affecting me back here. You've shown me that I need to take more risks and I'm going to work on doing that."   Looking at your own life, recognizing you need change, and not being afraid to make it gives others the confidence to do it as well.

I've learned a lot of new things this year and a couple new talents. It's easy to use them here in Egypt because I learned them here and people are used to it. People are used to seeing me up front with a guitar in my hands. People are used to seeing this version of myself because that's what I've become here. People are not used to that back home. The next step is taking this person I've become and not being afraid to apply it there. I was telling Sara the other day that I never want to go back to who I was. I love this version of me and I feel that God brought me here to create this version of me. I told her that even if I lose some friends along the way because of it, it's worth it to me because this is who I want to be. Now if you're one of my friends, please don't take that as a stab at you. It's just that we might not have the same interests anymore and eventually we'll grow apart. And that's Ok. It's called life. All of us need to find our own path. And trust me if you haven't found what I've found, someday you will and you'll understand.

So yes I'm going to miss these people terribly and yes I can't wait to see them again at some point when we're back home. But I'm even more excited to see where we all end up in the coming years and to always have a bond with them that nobody else will ever understand.

The Source

I was talking to my roommate Alec last night and he proceeded to tell me that he didn't feel like he was ready to be or knew how to be a couple of things. A good son, a good boyfriend (he's single), a good husband, or a good father. I told him that: #1 you only need to worry about one of those right now, and #2 I'm not sure if we ever fully understand to how to be any of those.

          If I asked any of you how to be a good (_______) you would think about it for a bit and then either tell me you were not sure, or you would do your best to answer a question that can't be answered. But just for fun let's look at some of the stereotypical answers. A good son: "Well a good son is respectful to his parents, he stands up for his family and other siblings when they need him, he does his chores without being asked, and he is respectful to his peers." A good boyfriend: "Well a good boyfriend is respectful to his girlfriend, he doesn't put himself in questionable situations with other women, he respects his girlfriends' family and attempts to develop a relationship with them, and he buys things like flowers for his girl every now and then." A good husband: "Well a good husband loves his wife, he protects her and cherishes her, he does not cheat on her, he is the spiritual leader, and he has a good relationship with her family as well." A good father: "Well a good father is a role model for his children, he teaches them values by his actions, he is respectful to their mother, and he spends quality time with them so that they have a good relationship."
Sounds pretty simple doesn't it? Just follow A, B, and C and you've got it made, but we all know that's not how it works. I've been thinking a lot about my life and where I'm headed lately. Like what I'm going to do this next semester and when I leave Egypt and when I leave College. Yesterday in staff meeting my principle put it best, "I sometimes feel like a jackrabbit just sprinting through a big field of tall grass and every now and then I stop, stand up on my hind legs and look around me, just to check where I'm going, where I'm headed, and then I'm back down, running." Everyone knows that when you're so busy that you don't even have time to reflect on what you've done or where you're going, you're going to get lost eventually. But is it possible to reflect so much on what you've done and where you're going that in a sense we become "lost"?

I was walking home from work the other day and as I was walking I decided that I wanted a tangerine. The orchard is pretty bare now since the season is over but I was still able to find one that the harvesters had missed. As I sat in front of my house and ate that tangerine I began to think about how I eat so much more fruit here than I did back in the states. And then I began to remember trips that I had taken to different countries while I was in high school and how excited we all would get if we were able to find fruit just growing there in the wild. And then I began to think why does this fascinate us so much? When I'm at home my Mom just hounds me and my Dad because she buys all this fruit and it takes us forever to eat it and sometimes it goes bad because we don't get to it in time. Why does a tangerine sitting in a bowl not look as good as one sitting in a tree?

Have you ever been to an event that was supposed to be all about God but really wasn't. Maybe it was a concert by some so called "Christian" band that you went to or a speaker that was supposed to speak about God but really didn't. This last summer I volunteered at Heaven Fest. It's a massive outdoor concert where about 20,000 people show up for the day and close to 100 bands just play all day. Now did I enjoy my time, absolutely. Did I feel that God was present in some way or another, yes I did. But I will say it was one of the most unrestful Sabbaths I have ever had. The top bands get up there and they sing about God and they have mostly wholesome lyrics but the way they present it can be tiring. I'm hard pressed to think that I need to head bang and yell and scream at the top of my lungs to worship my God. In fact I think I don't. So in the end it feels a lot more like a secular event than a spiritual one.

When you receive something from the source isn't it always better? When you go to that high mountain spring and drink that fresh water coming right from the source. When you find that fresh fruit growing right on the tree or the vine. When you physically go to that far away place that you've seen in the magazine. When you ask God instead of (_____). There will always be people who think they have the answer. There will always be another Christian band blasting through your ears and there will always be another life book for teens and there will always be another book on dating and there will always be another book on marriage, but there will only ever be one Bible. One God.

Will we ever be the perfect child, spouse, or parent? No we won't. Will we ever know what's going to happen in the future or where we're going to end up? No we won't. But the answer is not to go searching for the answer in music or books. The answer is to be so fully immersed in God that you can't help but be a good child, you can't help but be a good spouse, and you can't help but be a good parent. When you're tapping into the power that is God, you're tapping into the source of life itself. When God is your one reliable source, even when you stumble, you will be at peace with where you are headed. You may not know the future but you can be at peace knowing that you're going in the best possible direction.

        

The Shack

I have recently finished reading this book, The Shack, for the second time. There is no way that I can put all my thoughts about this book into words so I'm just going to let you read and discern for yourself what you think about it.
I'm sure every one of you who has read this book have your own opinions about it and experienced it in a different way. For me, it has given me the most incredible insight and understanding of how God truly is and how he works in our lives. It is truly the best book I've ever read and encourage anyone who hasn't, to read it. If you want to discuss it please email me. (michaelbeans45@live.com)  I'd love to hear all your opinions.
              

            

Thanksgiving

Being an SM is hard. There is no other way to say it. To say that it's just a vacation from school or that it's a year of continual fun and excitement could only be said by someone who's never done it. To say that it's an impossible task that can't be done and will ultimately destroy your life would also be untrue. Yes, some missionaries have it easier than others but I've never heard of anyone saying that they never had a bad experience or felt lonely at some point. So to say that it's "hard" I think is the best adjective I can give.

There are certain days during your missionary year that confirm the fact that you just might survive this year. For me, Thanksgiving was definitely one of those days. Of course I missed my family and friends terribly but I have begun to form a new family here at NUA that did a pretty good job at filling in for them. It was fun for all of us to sit and reflect on how far we've all come since the start of the year. I know it's only been 3 months but we really are starting to feel like family here. Even our competitive staff football game, where half of us came out with bloody knees and sore legs, couldn't tear us apart. Nothing like some good Thanksgiving football.

Being thankful. Such an easy concept when you really think about. This has to be the biggest cliché in the book but shoot if your reading this that means you are alive, have eyes to see the screen, and the brain capacity to find this webpage and to read it. Imagine your life without those last 2. (Cause without the first you wouldn't be alive) Now we all know that the concept of being thankful is all about your mental state of mind right. If you are always thinking and looking for things to praise God about, trust me you're going to find them. If you're always looking for the worst, well, you'll find that to. But I say that it goes beyond just looking for things to be thankful for.  I know people who are thankful and content with most of their life but still can't seem to find God in all of it. Well what if it was just a state of mind. If you believe God exists, which is the first step in getting to know him, then maybe it's just a matter of looking for him in your daily life.

I recently read in a devotional book called "Jesus Life Coach" that one of the best ways to see God in your life is to take something that you don't see too often and make a pact with God by saying, "Whenever I see this, I'll know that your with me". I chose the monarch butterfly. I don't know why, I've just always been intrigued by them since I see them so little. I have begun to see a monarch butterfly almost every day since I made that pact. Now someone who is scientific and has the info could tell me that monarch butterflies don't live in Egypt and it's impossible for them to be here. All I know is that I've been seeing butterflies that look like monarchs and it reminds me that God is right there with me. So back to my original point, if you find a way to see God in your life every day, won't it make him that much more real to you? I can't remember seeing a single butterfly here in Egypt until the day that I made that deal. That's not to say they weren't always here, I just wasn't looking for them. I think you can all guess where I'm going with that.

Thanksgiving was one of the best days I've had here. The food was great, the people were awesome, and God showed me how far I've come since that first day that I landed here. There is no doubt in my mind that I needed to be here this year not only for this school but for myself. It may not be the best Thanksgiving I've ever had but it's definitely taught me the most. Thanks to all of you who read this and I hope you are all touched in at least some small way by the humble words I type. God bless all of you and I hope you had an awesome Thanksgiving.

Zewak

I have just returned from our short 5 day home leave. I decided to spend this vacation in the village of Zewak with some of my students. I will say it is not a place that I would ever desire to reside in or even visit for an extended period of time but I do not regret going. It was culture shock #2 for me here in Egypt. I had become tired of the sights and sounds of the city and was very much in the mood for some peace and quiet. I was told by my students that it was a small village with houses, not apartments, and wasn't as crowded as Cairo. They were not lying. After an 8 hour train ride and a 20 min bus ride we were in Zewak. We arrived at about 5:30 a.m. and I was immediately introduced to a traditional Zewak meal. Here are a couple things to know about the food. At every meal you will have a medium sized loaf of bread that probably weighs about 2 pounds, they'll serve some sort of meat, the portions are massive, and most people will make you feel like you killed one of their children if you don't eat it ALL! Lucky for me the student that I stayed with made sure that I wasn't forced to eat at least in his house.

To say that life in Zewak is relaxed would be the understatement of the year. I have found few places in Egypt where I was truly bored until this place. Of course I enjoyed not having to teach classes or supervise workers but I'm just not the type of person that likes to do absolutely nothing. For the majority of the 4 days we were there we would wake up, eat, sit around, eat, sit around, eat, watch a movie, eat, eat, eat, you get the picture. I was tempted to become bulimic for the weekend. I will say that I am very grateful for the tremendous hospitality that was bestowed upon me while I was there and I have met few nicer people. The people I met were very kind and meant only the best by offering me as much food as they did. (I just didn't want it) The kids treated me like a rock star and never hesitated to say hello. (It's the only word they know)

In all honesty I was able to do a couple of fun activities while I was there. The first being soccer. The students took us to, basically a rec center, except just for soccer. It's like paying to use the basketball court for a couple hours except it's an outdoor, tile floor, soccer field. They had three fields all right next to each other and man could those guys play. It was amazing to see how well they could handle the ball especially when the ball rolls twice as fast on tile. We played from 10 p.m. to 12 a.m. and the students still wanted to play more. Needless to say I was exhausted.

The next activity may surprise you a bit but we were actually able to go hiking. Apparently there are some pretty good size foothills in upper Egypt and we decided to check them out. The students actually took us to an old monastery that is built at the base of the rocks. The monks actually used live in small cut outs in the rock itself but have moved to a formal building. The cut outs are still in the rock though and so we began to hike straight up towards them. It didn't seem like a long way at first but I found that hiking in sand is definitely not the easiest thing I've ever done. It was hard and I loved every minute of it because it was the first time on the whole trip that I felt I might want to eat something when we got back. That climb was definitely the highlight of the trip for me. Anything I can do that is remotely close to something I would do at home just makes me happy.

All-in-all I'm glad that I went to Zewak and got to experience a way of life that I would not even have known existed. When you're in America you don't think about what people are doing 5000 miles away from you. It was a great opportunity to understand this culture and see why these people are the way they are. God created us all differently and each of us has a different purpose in life. While the people in Zewak think about whose house they are going to visit that day or what they're going to eat, I sit and think about what career I'm going to pursue when I return next fall, how I'm going to balance my work schedule for next summer, and why on earth am I wasting an entire year of my life in a different country? (I've only felt like that a couple times) In my heart I know it's not a waste. It's only during the times when I'm by myself and thinking only about myself that I feel that way. Obviously. I'm just interested to see who is going to be looking back at me from my bathroom mirror when I return home.

1/4

I am one-fourth done with my stint here in Egypt. As I've always experienced to be true, time seems to have flown by when you look back on it. The snails come out when you're in the present. Days become years, until they're over and you look back and think "It feels like I just woke up and now I'm going to bed". I do my best to not count the days till I go home because I know it just makes it worse. So instead I count the months............  Because 8 sounds a lot better than 226. (I swear this is the first time I have ever counted the days till I go home and it will be the last because it was a lot more than I expected)
        

Fall weather has finally hit Egypt. This morning I went for a short run before I did my sit-ups. (I'm going for the Shannon Sharpe abs Dad) The early mornings have been chilly for about 2 weeks now but today it stuck around. I wore a long sleeve and jeans for goodness sakes. Alec wore his coat. (Forgive him he's from Georgia) I came home from work, made a cup of Nescafe, and sat down on the coach to read. The cool breeze coming through the windows and the smell of Fall filled the room. It was one of the best feelings I've had since being here. Thanks Jessica for being as excited about it as I was. I can honestly say I'm comfortable here. No it's not home and I'm sure it never will be but I don't feel like such a foreigner anymore. I can go outside the wall without feeling like a billboard. I've even gotten to know some locals. Every Friday I eat breakfast at Achmeds bean and salsa stand. Nothing like a stack of bread, a dish of beans, and a dish made with tomatoes, cucumbers, and onions. That's the "salsa". And all for $1.18. He speaks pretty good English to. Whenever I buy bread, I go to the same shop on the corner where a girl about my age works. She is the first and only Egyptian woman to be somewhat friendly to me so I keep going back. It's understandable because of the culture here but you have no idea how much you miss heterosexual interaction until you know longer have it. Anyways she always smiles at me and even though she doesn't know any English she does her best to communicate and be patient with me. I've also gotten to know the students a lot better which has made me feel more at home. I still have my challenges though.

My Dad gave me some of the best advice I've had so far last night. He told me that life is about how we handle our trials, not how we avoid them. I'm not going to avoid the fact the every time I see a plane flying over head I want to be on it. But I can decide whether I let that affect my attitude and how I live my life here. I recently read a letter of encouragement that a friend gave to me before I came here. It was one of the most encouraging letters I've ever read. She didn't say anything extravagant, she just reminded me of things I already knew. Let me share a bit of it with you. "Someone once told me that a person show's their true self when life is Hard not easy. Remember that whatever your going through, the Lord designed for you to go through and persevere. You're there because you wanted a chance to define yourself by Your standards and to show people the type of man God intended you to be, not the previous perceived thoughts that others already set upon you." Like I said, she just reminded me of things I already knew and yet I felt more encouraged than ever after reading that. She didn't give me something new to think about or a new idea. She just assured me that I could accomplish the things that I originally set out to do. It brought me to tears. One of the many times a letter from home has done that so thank you to all who gave me one.

Life is definitely a journey. One that we can decide to survive in or thrive in. I'll admit that I survive a lot and thrive little but I try to focus on the positive. I've started to try and remember at least one happy moment of the day before I go to sleep. Seek and you will find as Jesus says. Once again in the words of my wise father, "Embrace Egypt and love the people, give them all you have and you will be blessed for sure."

-Keep that left heal down Dad.
 

A Pleasant Surprise

Those of you who have been reading my blog might be thinking a couple of things. I was told by a friend that I've written some intense stuff since I've been here and after reading through all my blogs I would have to agree. I guess I've just been doing a lot of thinking and I feel like letting you guys know about it. It's a lot better than just giving you a play-by-play of my day because if I did, it would be pretty much the same all the time.

            Yesterday was a different story. It's time to lighten up the mood and focus on the simple and pure joy of a game called tennis. A lot of you know that I love this game. What you may not know is that I even brought my racquet to Egypt hoping by some miracle I would live next to a court. That is not the case so my racquet has been collecting cob webs in the corner for the past month and a half. Yesterday after PE one of my students asked me if I played tennis. I told him yes and that I had even brought my racquet. He got all excited and told me to go get my racquet. I did and met him at the volleyball court. I don't know why I never thought of this but he said that another SM from last year liked to play tennis so they would untie the volleyball net and tie it around the base of the poles. It was just like a regular tennis court minus the lines and the fact that the net didn't stop the ball. Minor detail. One advantage though was that the sand around the court helped stop the ball when you hit it out. Even as I was playing I was thinking, now this is something to write home about. I mean we even had all three surfaces in one. Mostly concrete for the hard court. Grass and weeds popping up through the cracks. Wimbledon anyone? And finally the sand that accumulates around the edge of the court makes for a perfect clay like surface. I think even Nadal would be impressed with my hit and slide. I only fell once.

Just simply being able to hit the ball back and forth with someone made my week. Plus the viewpoints and comments that some of the students have just make me laugh inside. One of them asked to see my racquet and upon examining it, told me that the one he got in his small village is better. Who am I to judge, maybe it is. Another student ran to his room and brought back two Badminton racquets. When I tried to explain what sport those were used for he didn't really get it. Come on how do you explain a "birdie" to an Egyptian?

All in all it was a great day in Egypt. Definitely have to do it again sometime.

Service

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many" - Mark 10:45

             I have been in Egypt for exactly 41 days now. Most of which have been spent on this campus. I have excepted the monotony and even somewhat grown to like it in a way. I get to hang out with students all day long who are all smiles and love to make fun of my Arabic. Plus I get to teach a PE class full of students who actually want to be there. No they don't always enjoy the running and the sit-ups but once the game starts there is no stopping them. It seems a lot better than having to study for mid-terms right now. Or study at all for that matter. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Thanks Dad.

            Counting blessings is easy. Using those blessings to effect how you treat others......... yeah we all know the answer to that one. Since I have been in Egypt I have asked God for two things. I have asked him to give me wisdom and to give me love. Two things that I have lacked for a long time. My freshman year in High School would have to be, without a doubt, one of the best years of my life. I was finally going to the school I had always dreamed about, playing on the sports teams I had always dreamed about, over half my friends were upper class-men, and I had a girlfriend who was a grade ahead of me. Sounds a bit too Hollywood when you put it that way but hey, that was my life. And you know what the best part about all of it was? I had a relationship with God to back it all up. It was the first time in my life that I truly felt him. I felt him during vespers, during church, friday nights at home with my friends, friday nights at the Brasses, and even when I played sports. I could feel him working all around me and I couldn't help but get excited.
I've learned a few things since those days. Everything that shimmers also fades. Everything that blooms also wilts. Everything that is built-up also becomes dust. Now I'm not trying to be a pessimist here but we all know it's true. Nothing in this world satisfies. Of course it will for awhile, maybe a year, maybe ten, but eventually it all comes crashing down. I have been searching for that feeling that I felt my freshman year ever since then.
Every time that I feel God isn't listening or has stopped working in my life he slaps me in the face with exactly what I asked for. Not always the way I would have liked but we can all agree that God gives us what we need, not what we want. I asked for wisdom. Specifically to show me why I feel so distant from him and everybody else around me. The answer was Service. From the moment you stepped off that plane you were thinking about how you were going to change YOUR life. Thinking of how YOU could further YOURSELF. Thinking of how this experience was going to help YOU in the years to come. I will admit I walked around this place feeling pretty sorry for myself the first month. I never thought about going out of my way for anyone else. I just wanted to do my job and go home. I tried to tell myself that I wanted to get to know the kids. Than why do you not stick around after class is done, make sure the kids have balls to play with, and maybe, just maybe, try playing with them outside of class?  Now trust me this sounds a lot more intense than it really was. It wasn't one of those moments where I broke down crying, feeling like the scum of the earth and asked God to forgive my evilness. No. It was just a small voice inside saying, Hey wake up bro, you wanna get to know these kids? Than try hanging out with them. Try worrying about whether they have fun stuff to do after school instead of what your friends are doing back home. Not that I don't care what's going on in your lives but you get the point.
This last week was the best week I've had in Egypt. Besides the fact that I had the coolest experience on Monday (my parents can tell you that story) and we had two days off, one for a National Holiday and another for an SA field trip. I actually began to hang with the kids when I didn't have to. This is when I began to realize the element of love that I have been missing. And this goes back even before Egypt. Now this is not an excuse, but being a college student makes it very easy to focus on yourself. After all, it is about figuring out what you want to do for the rest of your life which is also very important. To be quite honest if you don't focus on yourself, you won't survive. Yes it is true, feeding the homeless will not score you extra points on your next A&P test.  The element of love that I had lost was Service. Now I'm sure it didn't always show on the outside but on the inside I had become very selfish. And I'm sure it took longer than needed but God finally got through to me. Even if I had to come half-way around the world to hear it. It's almost like I knew all along what I was missing, but I wasn't in a position to fully realize it back home. I was too safe. I had too many things I could fall back on to distract me from it. I lost my need and ability to listen to God because I had so many other things to listen to. It seems almost embarrassing now writing this because it's nothing new. It's not like I came to some great revelation, it's just the fact that I can finally acknowledge it. If I had read this blog last year, I probably still wouldn't have understood. I would have closed this page, turned some jazz music on, opened up something to study, and turned the TV to Sports Center. (I would mute it though because it made me feel like I wasn't actually watching and being distracted by it if there was no sound) See what I mean. Too many voices.

Everyone is different. God knew I needed this year, so he sent me here. Not everyone at Union needs an entire year in another country to figure these things out. I do. I've realized I'm not patient enough with my Mom. I always knew that but I had more "important" things to worry about. She loves me more than anybody else in the world and never misses a chance to tell me so.  God knew that I needed some time away from those distractions. A chance to breathe per say. He knew I needed to be away from my life at home so I could begin to appreciate it, and to know where to make changes. He is the one who got me here. Now all I have to do is listen.